Tips on Life – Self Help Healing3
Self Help Healing – Sensitives, Health and Energy
Tips on Tricky Situations in Life – Sensitives
[Tips & Techniques To Chart & Navigate Life - Part 3] Part 2 here…
Defense Vocabulary: Develop Scripts – Set Boundaries
I have known quite a few people that have initiated a lot of questions toward someone to make them feel uncomfortable or to hide ulterior motives or agendas. They have taken advantage of a well-known Motto:
“The Best Form of Defence is Attack”
It can also effectively puts the person being questioned on the back foot so-to-speak, and they become too busy defending them self that they often miss seeing what the other person is actually doing.
This is what a lot of people that are pushy have learned to do. And learned to do well.
They capitalize on the fear most people have of doing the ‘wrong’ thing or of upsetting (and maybe losing the approval of) others.
Though questions are important and necessary to ascertain situations, or the next action to be taken etc, they can also be used as a weapon. Questions or questioning can be a very handy and mostly successful way of diverting attention from something one may be wanting to hide– whether or not it seems to be a legitimate enquiry, or whether it is designed to underestimate or even over exaggerate the situation in question.
Bullies use it well. Using loaded general words such as ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘everyone else’, ‘no-one else’, ‘all the time’, ‘always’ etc .
Question the Question – General vs Specific
For example someone may say something like: ‘you never lock up after you have finished with …’. ‘You always forget to…’.
Often these exaggerations lead us to defend ourself, rather than question the validity or accuracy of the statement in the question. We are often so surprised by these quick and unexpected attacks, that we will search our memory for instances when we may have been at fault, and get confused or doubt ourself as the other person appears to be so sure of their statement. We forget to question the accuracy of their statement.
Unless what they have said is absolutely true, which is that you do always forget to do the so-and-so (whatever it is), then you have the right to ask them when it was that you didn’t do it! Get them to give you a couple of examples or times that this was so. Get them to be specific! They will often begin mumbling at this point, because you have called their bluff. If they can’t establish the truth of the statement, their statement, assumption, accusation or question is not valid.
So many bluster with false accusations to hide or cover up stuff. Or even just to have a go. Others do it to create drama and entertainment, whether they recognize it or not.
Sure, let them take you to task about things if you have done something incorrect or inappropriate, but first be sure that what they are saying is based on truth. Or you will feel really bad and powerless about the interchange later.
Not only work issues are dealt with in this way. Sometimes people ask you personal things totally unrelated to work, or even to what is currently happening. Even about things that have absolutely nothing to do with them.
I learned a long time ago that if you have nothing to hide, then you hide nothing. But does this mean that we walk round in a ‘goldfish bowl’ inviting comments or attacks?
When it comes to other people having a say in your life, and in your choices, you are not answerable to them. You are answerable to yourself.
I used to divulge anything anyone asked of me, including salary, mortgage details, birthdates of children, ages of family members, cost of my car, etc. I felt uncomfortable about it, but did not know how not to tell them, and was unclear why I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to appear rude, impolite, un-friendly or that I was hiding something. And as I had nothing to hide, I was honest to a fault.
And so I let people ask me anything they wanted. And I answered them! I felt guilty if I didn’t.
I didn’t or couldn’t see that it was none of their business. It took me a while to recognize that they asked questions I would never think to ask of someone.
When I discovered my business being spread around at work, and coming back to me in a negative and belittling way, even though I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide, I was somewhat shaken. And so I had to learn to deal with questions differently. And to discern between being open, being friendly, sharing with those I could trust or who were genuine in what they told me.
So I learned to realize that some people ‘attack’ in order to deflect attention from off of themselves, or of their behaviour or their part in things. Or to gain information they perceive ‘useful’ or advantageous for their own ends.
Sometimes co-workers may throw you tricky questions that are none of their business, or even may have nothing to do with their work, possibly for political or personal reasons. Be prepared for these too.
Change the Situation – Create your own Script
It takes time, but you need to learn to respond appropriately, and not let yourself be intimidated by others.
To learn to do this, I suggest you pick out any of the responses listed below that you feel comfortable saying, and imagine yourself in uncomfortable situations that you have experienced in the past, and use the response (several of them) back at the person instead.
Rehearse it in your own mind.
Prepare yourself mentally for the next time. Practice the responses so that they come easily to you. Like learning lines or a script for a play or presentation.
For the next time the same thing happens, you won’t have time to rehearse and plan what to say. So now is the time to learn what you would prefer to say.
And you may find that you have different responses for different people. And that you may feel easier saying a certain sentence, question or comment to one person, but not to another.
It is important to do this work BEFORE the situation happens again.
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